Hw 19- Let Me Help You Out

Comment to Ian, Paper


Hopefully I can offer some help. So I'm assuming your thesis is:

"The digitilization has become a major tool to further change our values to make us better fatter more complacent cattle"

I love that, but I think that you should remove 'The' and just start with digitilation. Also I think that you should include something taht connects to cattle in the thesis as well. Maybe something like:

"Digitization has become a major tool that makes us much like animals, corporate media is slowly changing our values to make us better fatter cattle"

Its just an idea :]

I like how you start your paragraph here, talking about how we are tuaght that everything is supply and demand and everything is about buying and selling and making profit!


What i'm getting is that being digital is making it eaiser for us to be the puppets that are controlled by corporate media?

Great point i completely agree. Maybe a posible out line could be:

1. You explaining how we are already born being taught that we need to buy and sell to make a living
2. How corporate pours their lies in to our pockets to get the money out of our wallets.
3. How we continue to beocme more and more obiedent since we constantly depend on corporate to invent new toys
4. Tie in how we are fed garbage, thus making us animals and you can connect finally how the cattle metaphor works.

I hope I helped. Let me know. I'm really excited to read your paper!


To Sarah:

Sorry I took so long. I liked your paper alot.

I feel like you have a bunch of information everywhere and you just throw it in wherever you see fit.

I'm assuming that the question "What over looked damage is the obsession of technology leading to?" is the question you are trying to answer.

I think its very interesting but I was unable to find a thesis of some sort that you can connect all your info to.

Something like : Many may see technology as advancement but in reality it's setting us back.

And from there you can incorporate all of your ideas which seem to be:

1. Health problems
2. Connecting to yourself
3. Global problems
4. History
5. Conclusion

I think thats how your paper flows. Which is great.

I think you should divi up the paragraph where you talk about yourself. Maybe you want to connect yourself to other parts of your paper?
All in all Sarah, this is a very interesting paper and its backed up by tons of evidence.

Maybe you should think about making it a little more personal, because it sounds really general. Just an idea.